Are you willing to go on a long journey with me? Are you willing to wait it out a few posts? Because what I am about to share cannot be said in just one. Many of you are familiar with our story and some have actually lived it with us, but for those who are unaware, hang on and be amazed at how awesome our God is!
To be honest with you, I am still really hesitant to share. I am not certain what this hesitancy is. Perhaps it’s because it’s so real, raw, and intimate; such a personal glimpse into our family. My only driving force to share is to encourage and give hope. To be a testimony to a faithful God who delivers on His promises.
“…but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:28-31)
Have you ever been expecting? Are you so pregnant with a want; a desire, that you have thought of little else? The want and desire so all consuming and you have no control over its delivery.
To expect is to anticipate; look forward to…..
To hope for…..
I’ve shared in previous posts how the very desire to become a mother happened in church. My husband and I lived in Richmond, Virginia for a few years. It was there while I listened to our Pastor tell the children a story just before they left for children’s church. I watched, the beautiful, little ones listening intently and God whispered in my ear the desire—my very heart’s desire to be a Mom.
A seed was planted.
Shortly thereafter as God had planned, we moved back home to Canada. We were so excited about starting a family and about the prospects of ‘settling down.’ Every month we anticipated the opportunity of becoming parents and every month we were disappointed. Nothing.
after month, after month, after month……
Each loss settling on my heart like scar tissue. Months turned into a year and a year into two, however hope would not die.
We saw a specialist and I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome. Then a laparoscopy showed a shortened left fallopian tube with cause unknown. The specialist attempted some procedures to no avail.
We ended treatment shortly after. Nothing.
Two years turned to five and the despair and the loss were unbearable. My heart became so hardened by the losses that only scar tissue was left.
Now this is where I get real and where I share my innermost, private and personal thoughts. I put myself at risk of being vulnerable and exposed before you because it is in these places where the Lord, my Abba, Father touched my very soul.
With these losses, I questioned God. Why Lord? What have I done that is so wrong? I thought You forgave me of my sins? Why Lord am I not getting pregnant? I have given my life to You and You Lord have put the desire in my heart; You Lord planted this seed. Why can others so easily get pregnant?
Have you ever been there? Hopeless? Are you so pregnant with a want or desire that you are consumed? Are you there?
There is hope in the journey…..
God needed an opportunity to reveal Himself and work on our behalf. He was responding…..
To be continued…..