By Cindy Morrone
Approximately 5 years of trying to have a child to no avail left me near hopeless. Have you ever been there? Here is something that is essentially ‘good’ to hope for but the answer is just not coming and we are not talking about days but years. It was so very painful. There would be the monthly cycle of anticipation, expectation and then devastation. Hearing news of someone else becoming pregnant or being invited to a baby shower were only reminders of barrenness.
But it went further and deeper. I questioned my Faith; my Abba, Father. Why had He planted such a desire in my heart (remember the God whispering story during church) for it to not happen? Lord, I live my life for You, why am I not getting pregnant? Why will You not give me the desire of my heart?
I was losing faith in the Faithful One and that left me near hopeless…
Who could I depend on? Who could I trust? The Creator of life (Acts 17:25) seemed to be holding back.
Oh, but He so wasn’t…..He was responding and needed an opportunity to reveal Himself to me and my husband. It wasn’t about having children; it was about truly getting to know my Creator; the giver of Life; the Faithful One. To put these questions, doubts and fears to rest with an unwavering testimony.
This was part of our spiritual journey, our walk with the Lord.
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” (Romans 5:1-5)
Looking back, I realized that I had taken my focus off of the Giver of Life and onto what I conceived as a problem. I had put having children before my love for my Father. It wasn’t until I began, and committed to the process of getting to know Him more and more, that my focus changed. I had to come to a place where God and God alone met all of my needs and wants and even my heart’s desire.
~I realized that God had promises for me. I searched for them, meditated on them, memorized them and tucked them into the deepest recesses of my heart. My most awesome finding was Jeremiah 29:11. The significance of this verse will not be shared here, but soon in the most intimate post yet.
~I reached out for support from my husband, my family and my friends. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)
~I began to seriously count my blessings and purposefully did not look at what I did not have. “Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” (Psalm 103:1-5)
~I did not even for a second take my eyes off of Him; I did not look to the right or to the left. “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2)
~I continued to hope that the Lord and the Lord alone would exceedingly meet my desires. I chose to hope! “Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Saviour, and my hope is in you all day long.” (Psalm 25:4-5)
During that time the Lord gently and ever so lovingly showed me all this and brought me to a place of hope again. In His divine plan for us, adoption was introduced. I immediately knew that I knew that this was our plan. With the idea of adoption my peace was restored; my hope was renewed…..
So after numerous evaluations, including police clearances, physical examinations and a home study we were approved for adoption and so we waited…and waited….and waited…..and waited. It was ok though; the Lord had prepared us for waiting.
To be continued…..