Written by: Kristy Aiken
We had a stillbirth baby girl, Mackenzy, who did not even weigh 1lb. I delivered her on Oct 29, 2010. That experience was really hard for me. I went into an instant daze. I felt not of this world, I was shocked, I was confused, I was so mad, and I could not believe it. God, why did you take my baby? What did I do wrong? They said they were going to put me on the 3D machine just to make sure and I kept thinking, God make this a miracle.
Please God, I know nothing is impossible. I refused to believe it. After seeing the FLAT line beep across the screen where my little girl’s heartbeat should of been, I felt my life being pulled right from under me.
Why? How? What?
This exact scene still plays in my head today over and over.
I was given Prostaglandin then Pitocin to start contractions. I had a high fever and a lot of pain. The labor and delivery is all a blur. I only pushed a couple of times and my angel was born. After a few minutes my doctor said that she looked like her cord got tangled and pinched off blood supply. I should be taking my baby home with me and here I was preparing to call a funeral home. It was not fair!
I read a book by John MacArthur that rocked me to my core. He said that scripture weighs heavily toward the fact that innocent children are in heaven, redeemed, and dwelling in the presence of God. Mackenzy will never experience any pain on this earth, she is face to face with our Savior right now I had comfort in knowing the truth that every child conceived is a God-created and God-loved person with a God-given purpose and destiny. BUT, this comfort took almost 2 years to come.
Fast forward 3 months…
We started trying right away. I was pregnant again. I can’t do this, Lord. Fear engulfed my soul. I kept hearing, “trust me, Kristy.” #SAY WHAT!!! Well, Lord, I did trust you once and look what happened!!!!!!!!!!!
I turned my head….I bought a doppler and listened to little Emilee’s heartbeat throughout the entire pregnancy. I was not trusting. Every time I did not feel movement I would chug a Dr. Pepper. I was obsessed. I was fighting the flesh, the world, the enemy and trying to do it in my own strength. Satan certainly came and devoured my life and he attacked me in my MOST VULNERABLE AREA. I was overwhelmed with fear. It was the worst 9 months.
Fast Forward to August 12, 2011…
Emilee Grace was born at 8:10am and I was taken to recovery and was told she was perfect. Finally, I am back in my room and still Emilee was not in there. I kept bugging the nurses and they assured me they had an emergency and she was fine.
Well, Mrs. Aiken we had to put Emilee on the “sick bed.” Her oxygen is 80 and we are not sure what is going on. #SayWhat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, #SayWhat??????????
Fast Forward 1 month later….
We are on our way to UVA because she has been diagnosed with pulmonary sling and is fatal when airways are obstructed. Not only that but they still can’t even find her left pulmonary artery on an echocardiogram. We were told open heart surgery would correct it. Are you kidding me? Lord, is this some sort of joke. I remember being in the shower and screaming at Him. I remember throwing shampoo bottles and crying out to Him. I remember sitting on the shower floor with the most empty feeling in my soul. A hole. A hole so big that I thought it would never be filled again.
At UVA Children’s Cardiology Hospital….
We are sitting in the echo with the doctor and nurse. They are looking for that artery to determine the best course of action. I am sweating. I am not trusting. I am mad. I am hurt. Why? How? Why did you do this to me, Lord? Why???? Why???
2 hours later….
They still have not found the artery but believe it to be there. Either way it is in the wrong place and will eventually block her airway and she won’t be able to breathe. My heart is in my throat. The anxiety and feelings can’t even be explained. The anger was hot and raw. My husband was squeezing my hand and we hear, “HERE IT IS.”
We hear something like this, “we are not sure exactly how the structures are weaving but they are weaving in a way that IS not obstructing any airways. Although by the location of the left pulmonary artery coming off the right pulmonary artery (which is not where it should be) there seems to be no concern. I think your daughter will be fine with no surgery required. Say What?
Why did I not trust God? I am learning to give God my family, the ones I love SECOND MOST! He is my all in my all. He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is my Redeemer, Comforter, Creator, Helper, Salvation, Light, and Restorer. He knows what is best. God does not want half my heart. He wants it ALL.
I can’t worry about my children’s safety because I trust His promises.
I can’t keep doubting every little thing because I trust His promises.
I can’t worry while my husband is driving because I trust His promises.
I can’t fret over the future because I trust His promises.
I can’t try to control situations because I trust His promises.
I can’t show anymore unbelief because I TRUST HIS PROMISES.
Kristy is a 33 year old stay at home mom and wife living in Southwest, Va. She graduated from East Carolina University where she met her life long sweetheart. She loves Jesus and is passionate about sharing His love with women. She has 3 daughters. Kalee is 5. Mackenzy is with Jesus. Emilee is her 3 year old miracle. She also volunteers with Proverbs 31 Online Bible Studies.