Written by: Ashley Sigrest
For as long as I can remember I have felt worthless. I was bullied at school and my home life wasn’t so good either.
I was raped at 14 and then again just before my eighteenth birthday. These two events solidified my belief that I didn’t matter. When I found out I had conceived from the second rape I was full of rage and sorrow that sent me into a deep pit of despair.
Clothed in depression with no where to turn, I decided I would end it all by committing suicide. No longer would I have to hear just how worthless I was. I went back and forth between cutting my wrists or slicing my throat. I just wanted it to be a big mess and for it to go by quickly.
It the midst of this struggle I heard God speak to me for the first time.
“This is not the end for you. I will use this someday for my glory.”
At this point I really thought I was going crazy! Before I could think about it any further, I heard my mom walking in her bedroom so I ran back to my room. I continued to struggle about what I should do. I was too scared to tell anyone about my rape and pregnancy. Who would believe a nobody like me anyway?
In the end I believed my choice was to have an abortion. I knew they were wrong and completely believed I was prolife, but in the midst of this crisis with nowhere to turn, abortion seemed to be my only option.
I told everyone at the clinic I had been raped and wasn’t sure if I wanted to have the abortion, but no one listened. I was moved along with the other women. Afterwards I moved to a different state to start college. I bought the lie that after an abortion you can move on as if nothing happened. I tried to start fresh and new, but nightmares of my rape and abortion haunted me.
I began drinking to numb my pain. I was covered in fear and believed if I told anyone what I had done they would call me a baby killer and judge me. My partying led me to arrest when I was caught at a bar underage. A pastor I knew confronted me and I finally confessed to him and his wife.
They gave me love and showed me mercy. That night I gave my life to Christ. Sadly, that didn’t keep the enemy away. For many years I fought depression and kept abusing alcohol. I knew Jesus forgave me, but I refused to forgive myself. I had killed my child and I refused to let myself off the hook.
I grew weary in the back and forth of knowing the Truth and letting Satan’s lies poison me. I laid myself on the altar one Sunday, I begged God through my tears to tell me what He saw in me. He said He saw me as beautiful.
I quit drinking that day and began to make huge changes in my life. I got married, had a child, yet I continued to hate myself for my abortion. I thought if I could volunteer at a local pregnancy center I could somehow right my wrong. But God’s Word says it’s by grace we have been saved, not by works.
I started a post abortive Bible study and began my journey to healing. I hated going each week. It was hard going back to face what I had done and what was done to me. In the sixth week I was asked to read from Isaiah 43 and with each word I spoke I could literally feel the gains of worthlessness, fear, shame, and guilt lift from my body.
Jesus healed me from my abortion!
Like any mother who loses a child, I still grieve the son I lost to abortion. His name is Joshua. He would be 16 years old today. Instead of living in the “what ifs” I live for Jesus! He alone has shown me how Romans 8:28 is lived in my life.
I help other post abortive women in their healing journeys and am involved in many prolife ministries. I’m still in awe of how God took a broken mess and made it into something beautiful. He gave me my beauty from ashes!
Ashley is a happily married homeschool momma of four blessings. She speaks at various prolife and other Christian events sharing the redemptive grace and freedom of Jesus Christ! She is currently in the midst of writing her memoir, but in the meantime you can find her writing at ashleysigrest.com.
She is also a sarcastic coffee addict and loves puns and cheesy jokes! She lives her life to finish His race in hopes of hearing God say, “Well done My good faithful servant!”